Dennis Swanberg  "The Zipper"
Just for the fun of it!

A nun was sitting at the airport waiting
for her flight to
Chicago. She looked over & saw one
of those weight machines that tells
your fortune.

Deciding to give it a try, she went to
the machine, stepped
on the scale and put her nickel in. Out
came a card saying, "You are a nun,
you weigh 128 Lbs and you're going to
Chicago".

The nun sat back down & told herself
the machine probably
gives the same reading to Everyone.
The more she thought about it, the
more curious she was, so she
decided to try it again.

She went back to the machine and put
another nickel in. Out came a card,
"You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs,
you are going to Chicago and you're
going to play a fiddle.

The nun said to herself, I know this is
wrong. I've never
played a musical instrument In my life.
She went back to her seat. Then, a
cowboy came and sat down, putting
his fiddle on the seat between them.

Without thinking, she opened the
case, took out the fiddle and started
playing. Surprised at what she'd done,
she looked at the machine and
decided to try again.

She went back and put in another
nickel. The card said "You are a nun,
you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to
Chicago & you're going to break wind."

Now, she knew the machine was
wrong. She'd never broken wind in
public in her life. But getting off the
scale, she slipped and straining to
keep from falling, she broke wind.

Stunned, she sat down and looked at
the machine, thinking I have to try this
again. She went back to the machine
and dropped in another nickel.

Another Card came out. It read, "You
are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you've
fiddled & farted around & missed
your flight to Chicago.
Relax and have some fun!!!
Follow the Duplant Children as they get into one thing after the other.  There was never a dull
moment around the Duplant household.  Kind of makes you wish for days of old...

Cleanliness Is Next To Godliness

Darwin's Soleful Ride

Marcellus and the Wasp

The Outside Toilet

A Wig And A Prayer

The Frigidaire
Click on the links for each
hilarious  story
YOU MIGHT BE IN A COUNTRY CHURCH IF . . .

1. The doors are never locked.
2. The Call To Worship is "Y'all come on in!"
3. People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.
4. The Preacher says "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the
offering" - and 5 guys stand up.
5. The restroom is outside.
6. Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official
church holiday.
7. A member requests to be buried in his 4-wheel drive truck
because "I ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get me out of".
8. In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of "2
calves".
9. Never in its entire 100-year history has one of it's pastors had to
buy any meat or vegetables.
10. When it rains, everybody's smiling.
A Sunday School teacher asked her little
children, as they were on the way to church
service, "And why is it necessary to be
quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because
people are sleeping."
TRUE Statements....see how many apply to you!    Anonymous

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear
your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was
younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How in the world are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty
sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for
the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu Ray? I
don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear
I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -
ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darn
but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice
mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run
away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not
seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Bud Lite than Kay.

20. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first
saw it.

21. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand
than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

22. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and
hunger.

23. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod
and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

24. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up
to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers
and sisters!

25. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get
dirty, and you can wear them forever.

26. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

27. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers,
but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

28. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still
not know what time it is.

29. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the
Donkey - but I'd bet my life everyone can find and push the snooze button
from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every
time!
Laughter does a
body good!
The Army Of
The Lord

A friend was in front of me
coming out of church one day,
and the preacher was standing
at the door as he always is to
shake hands. He grabbed my
friend by the hand and pulled
him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You
need to join the Army of the
Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in
the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come
I don't see you except at
Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the
secret service."
The Cleaning Lady

There was a little old cleaning
woman that went to the local
church. When the invitation was
given at the end of the service,
she went forward wanting to
become a member. The pastor
listened as she told him how
she had accepted Jesus and
wanted to be baptized and
become a member of the
church.

The pastor thought to himself,
"oh my, she is so unkempt,
even smells a little, and her
fingernails are not clean. She
picks up garbage, cleans
toilets - what would the
members think of her." He told
her that she needed to go
home and pray about it and
then decide.

The following week, here she
came again. She told the
pastor that she had prayed
about it and still wanted to be
baptized. "I have passed this
church for so long. It is so
beautiful, and I truly want to
become a member."

Again the pastor told her to go
home and pray some more. A
few weeks later while out
eating at the restaurant, the
pastor saw the little old lady. He
did not want her to think that he
was ignoring her so he
approached her and said, "I
have not seen you for a while.
Is everything all right?"

"Oh, yes," she said. "I talked
with Jesus, and he told me not
to worry about becoming a
member of your church."

"He did?" said the pastor.

"Oh, yes" she replied. "He said
even He hasn't been able to get
into your church yet, and He's
been trying for years."